I would ask what they thought I would hear. I would ask when they thought I would hear from him. Normally, I would have asked my friends if they thought I would hear from him again. I was also sad because we had just had a weird fight and I was convinced I would never hear from him again. It was a tricky time to start, since I had told anyone who would listen that I’d met a great guy, whom I thought could be the guy, except he was dating other people and I was worried…you get it. One week of not talking to anyone about anything. This thought process has not been approved by the FDA.) I might not be able to extinguish the anxiety that courses through my veins, but I can stop giving it more oxygen. It was my last-ditch effort against my own brain. So one day, after a particularly disastrous interaction with a potential paramour, I decided to start a “moratorium.” I was still going to date, but I was no longer going to talk about it. I clearly needed a new plan of attack, something I’d never tried before. That has worked well at stalling my thoughts…for at least thirty seconds. One of them is imagining an actual stop sign in my head. My psychiatrist has given me tools to prevent the dreaded spiral. It was not just in the back of my mind, but in the forefront of my conversations, too. Unbeknownst to them, every time I talked about dating I was indulging my obsession, making it stronger. I have met Allison.” But it is impossible for them to know the extent to which this part of my life takes over my brain-probably because I somehow still manage to function in society. My friends know about my anxiety on a theoretical level. Or devote an entire evening to desperately trying to decipher a meaningless text with four of your closest friends. It’s hard to ignore a nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach when you spend hours examining the cause of it with a buddy over brunch. I know that isn’t inherently bad, but it can be exhausting when everyone you know and care about constantly checks in on your love life (because they are all happily coupled up and know you want to be). To make matters worse, I have a lot of friends. (Except maybe this one frenemy from high school.) Horrible, right? I would not wish my internal thoughts on anyone. There is nothing murkier than the beginning stages of “getting to know someone.” Will he call again? Will he be my husband? Will I die alone? Will anyone find my body? Do I need a will for my dog? Why oh why did I let _ or _ or _ get away? Imagine this on an endless loop all day, every day. Nothing triggers my anxiety more than not knowing what is going to happen. So I started officially “dating” again, and let me tell you: It stinks. I do not do well with an unlimited amount of time on my hands. I live alone and work from home, so the loneliness got to be overwhelming. And it started to drive me insane* (*more insane). But recently, for the first time in a while, I was 100 percent single. Nothing triggers my anxiety more than not knowing what is going to happen.įor most of my twenties, I have been in relationships. I would much rather tell you the bizarre intricacies of keeping my towels uncontaminated than confess how much of my internal life is wasted on guys who don’t deserve a second thought, let alone a billionth one. It’s mortifying for me to even admit this in writing. I am quite literally obsessed with finding a life partner. Since I was a pre-teen, my obsessive thoughts have always gone into overdrive around romantic relationships. Since I was four, I’ve struggled with OCD and anxiety. How did I get here? The journey was long and not pretty. I, Allison “Spill The Beans” Raskin, stopped talking about my love life for an entire week. So when I tell you what I’m about to tell you, please understand that this is a huge, freaking, personality-altering deal.
If you share a secret with me I am going to have to then share it with at least one other person (probably my mom). I have made a career out of oversharing on the internet. My nickname growing up was Allison “Spill The Beans” Raskin. Since I was a kid, I have not been able to keep things to myself.
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